by Haven Logan PH.D

        

On a hot and humid Connecticut summer’s day in 1960 I attended my first driver’s education class. It was across a crowded classroom that I first saw him─dark brown greased hair, tight jeans, white t-shirt and best of all a black leather motorcycle jacket. For me it was love at first sight. I was 16 and had just watched On the Waterfront for the third time. Marlon Brando was the man of the hour and this boy across the room looked just like him. Was I thinking about whether this unknown boy would graduate from college, get a good job, make a good husband? Not on your life. All I saw was that leather jacket, signifying that he must be an exciting “bad boy” and completely unlike the boring “nice boys” I went to school with. The only end I had in mind was to ride out of my suburban town on the back of his motorcycle. Fortunately for my future, my parents had a different picture of what they wanted for their daughter and I never did take off on that motorcycle.

One benefit of getting older is that we have had many experiences that can help us to predict the end result of acting upon such an infatuation. Still life continually throws us decisions to make for which we’ve had no preparation. It’s not the leather jacket that beckons me now, but I’d sure like to buy that RV for traveling the country when I retire. This brings me back to the question at hand. What ends do you have in mind for the different aspects of your life?

Stephen Covey first published the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in 1989. He had set out to study people who were successful in their lives and found seven habits that they had in common. Later his son Sean Covey followed up with The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens. These books have sold many millions of copies and I highly recommend them both.

Covey’s Habit #2 is “Begin with the end in mind.” He states that this habit is based on the idea that all things are created twice: first in the mind and then in the physical world. It is similar to the concept that when you build a house it is a good idea to begin with a blueprint. Develop a clear picture of where you want to go in life. What are your values? What lifestyle do you want to live? When you have clear answers for these questions, you can then work on specific goals that will help you achieve the life you want. If you don’t decide your own future, someone else will.

Step #1 – Getting Clear on What You Want

• Before you rush out to look for that new house, better job or romantic partner take some time to figure out what it is that you really want. Focus on specific qualities of the things you are inviting into your life.
• Begin with imagining and then writing about your ideal day. Make it a regular week day but describe what it feels like to be in that ideal house or job or with that partner. Let your imagination go and don’t worry about practical things at this point.
• Next begin to look for visual images of what you want. Cut out pictures from magazines or copy from the Internet. Paste them onto a collage or put them on your refrigerator.
• Write down an affirmation statement, starting with a date by which you will get what you want. Affirmations should be personal, positive and written in the present tense. For example, “By November 30, 2009 I will find an apartment to rent that ….” Then list all the important specifics such as: “allows pets, is within a twenty minute commute, has big windows to let in the sunshine, feels inviting to guests.”
• Finally review your affirmation statement with a friend, family member or therapist to see what you may have left out. Remember to get to the details of how you want to feel rather than just the external characteristics.
  
  

Step #2 – Reaching the End You Have in Mind

• Now that you are clear about what you want, you will begin to attract it to you, and other people will be able to lend a hand since they understand what you are looking for. Just make sure that you are ready for what it is you are asking for. It may appear very quickly.
• Keep your affirmation statement where you will see it frequently. Some people like to read theirs daily. The more you repeat it or look at it, the more your belief in it will grow.
• Make an action task list with all the things you will do to help achieve your goal. Attach dates to these actions. Yes, you will probably have to put physical energy into this. That ideal apartment or partner may come and knock on your door, but your chances for finding what you seek are greater if you are out doing things in the world.
  
  

These tools can be used for any end. They are very powerful and I have used them for many years. By my 30’s I had learned many lessons about what was important to me and I met my husband within two days of writing an affirmation statement for a long-term relationship. My life came full circle when once again I saw the man of my new dreams across a crowded room. This time it was at a conference in LA and he was wearing a herringbone sports jacket. While my husband rarely wears a leather jacket, he always makes my heart sing. Good luck on finding the ends that will bring you joy.